Clean Sweep – Sketch 22, Jan. 2016
3 Male
1 Female
Clean Sweep
by
Joel Gradisnik, Rich Laguna, Scott Tolaney
A BAR
Two men are sitting at a bar, having drinks while the female bartender goes about her bartending duties while a janitor is preparing to sweep the floors with a push broom.
FEMALE BARTENDER – Here’s your drinks boys!
(puts down two glasses of beer)
Two men pick up their drinks.
STELIO ZUPANCICH (in a Minnesota accent) – So Randy, looks like we got our sweeper!
RANDY GREGG (in a Minnesota accent) – Oh yeah, Stelio? Old ‘Boom Broom’ is back in action?
STELIO ZUPANCICH – For sure. Doin’ well, PT goin’ amazin’ and the white blood cells are back, don’t cha know.. Healthy as a horse, ‘ccording to his sqaw. Should be gettin’ discharged any day now.
RANDY GREGG – Just in time for next week’s big Curling Championship! I can’t believe that our secret weapon is BACK in action! Look out, Scotch Cup! Dis one’s in da bag.
STELIO and RANDY clink their beer glasses together and begin laughing. RANDY’s cell phone rings and he answer
RANDY GREGG – Hellllllllo?
RANDY listens to indistinguishable murmuring on the phone.
RANDY GREGG (without inflection or emotion) – Oh yeah? (beat) Oh yeah? (beat) OK then. Sounds good. Yeah. Real good then. Love you too.
STELIO ZUPANCICH – Who was that?
RANDY – Father O’leary. Seems that there’s good news and bad news. The good news is Boom Broom got out of the hospital.
STELIO – That’s great! What’s the bad news?
RANDY – He was in his wheelchair and got hit by a speeding ambulance. He’s dead. RANDY makes the sign of the cross.
STELIO – Well shit my pants. The championships are next week! We can’t curl without a sweeper!
Out from the back, the janitor begins sweeping with his push broom.
RANDY – It’s just like that asshole, Boom Broom to pull some crap like this! Who the hell are we going to get to be our sweeper?
The janitor continues sweeping while whistling and spinning the broom fancily.
STELIO – There’s got to be someone we know that can fill in. (to the janitor) Hey! Can you keep it down – important business over here! (in deep thought) Sweeper…sweeper…we need a sweeper.
JANITOR (in old-timey voice) – Sorry fellas. (he keeps sweeping and whistling)
STELIO – Damn it! I told you to knock it off… (realization kicks in) Wait a minute. What’s your name old timer?
JANITOR – They call me Sweepy Pete and I’ve been cleaning this bar for ‘pert near 2 decades.
RANDY – Wow! How old are you?
JANITOR – 23.
STELIO – Sweepy Pete… Sweeeepy Pete. Say Sweepy… you know any good curlers?
JANITOR – Curlers? Oh yeah. Go to this address.
Lights down. Lights up.
STELIO and RANDY are talking to a lady with a curling iron at a hair salon.
HAIR DRESSER – Hi guys. Welcome to Great Clips. How can I help you?
STELIO – Hi. We were sent here to find a… wait a minute.
RANDY – You’re the wrong kind of curler.
HAIR DRESSER – Oh. This happens all the time. I know what you’re looking for. Go here. (she hands them a card)
Lights down. Lights up.
STELIO and RANDY talking to a guy at a gym curling a barbell.
RANDY – Hi. We were sent here to find a… wait a minute.
STELIO – You’re the wrong kind of curler. We mean curling. Like with a stone.
GYM GUY – OH! I know what you’re looking for. Go here. (He hands them a card)
Lights down. Lights up.
STELIO and RANDY talking to Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct.
STELIO – Hi. We were sent her to find a…
Sharon Stone does the famous “leg crossing bit”
STELIO – wait a minute…
Sharon is in mid leg crossing bit (spread wide)
RANDY (interrupting Stelio) – Well hold on a second Stelio. Let’s see where this is going.
STELIO – You’re the wrong kind of stone.
SHARON – Oh. This happens all the time. I know what you’re looking for. Go here. (she hands them a card)
Lights down. Lights up.
STELIO and RANDY talking to Mick Jagger from the Rolling Stones
STELIO – Hi. We were sent here to find a… Wait a minute.
RANDY – You’re the wrong kind of stone. Okay this is getting out of hand. Listen Mick Jagger, we are in a curling team and our sweeper is dead. We’re just trying to find a replacement.
STELIO – Yeah. Someone who’s good at sweeping… you know. With a broom.
MICK JAGGER (being over the top Jaggerish) – Oh okay. Be cool my babies. Be cool. ‘ooze (the ooze is Jagger-speak for who’s) fighting and what for? I know exactly what you boys are looking for. Go here. (he hands them a card)
Lights down. Lights up.
STELIO and RANDY talking to to Sweepy Pete.
RANDY – Hi. we were sent here to find a… wait a minute.
STELIO (looking right at Pete) – Hold on! I get it. I finally get it! It’s been right under our noses this whole time.
Sweepy Pete starts perking up like the boys are going to ask him to be on their team. He’s finally gonna get his big chance.
STELIO (Suddenly turns to female bartender) – You’re a woman! You must be good with a broom!
~fin~
