Hobo-Con: Sketch 22, July 2015
HOBO-CON
By
RICH LAGUNA, SCOTT TOLANEY, MATTHEW MEDRANO
BACKSTAGE IN THE BASEMENT OF THE GRAND OL’ OPREY
Carrie Underwood on her phone with her Manager, pacing back and forth. She’s upset about having to perform in the basement of the Grand Ol’ Oprey.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD – Richard! Ugh! Mr. Delafont. I’ve had 12 #1 Hits. I’m an American Idol Winner. I’m Carrie friggin’ Underwood, for God’s sake! I should be performing upstairs! Not the down in the Grand Ol’ Oprey basement.
Carrie nods and shakes her head as she listens to her manager explain why she needs to be there.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD – Fine! But this is the last time I do this kind of charity work.
CUT TO:
MAIN GALLERY OF THE HOBO CONVENTION CENTER
Three crusty old hobos are conversing about HOBO-CON in dried, mangy voices.
10-INCH STEVE – Greetings, and Welcome to HOBO-CON! We might be Hobos, but at least we ain’t bums!
The hobos cheer and applaud.
“10-INCH” STEVE – Glad you could all make it this year. Looks like this is our biggest turn-out ever! The bar’s on the left, and you can pick up your gift bags from the dumpster in the back! Our special guest tonight is America’s favorite American Idol…
“PARK BENCH” PETE – “BOX CAR” Willy?
“10-INCH” STEVE – No!
“INJUN” JIM – Buck Owens
“10-INCH” STEVE – No!
“PARK BENCH” PETE – Roy Clark
“10-INCH” STEVE – No.
“INJUN” JIM – Charlie Pride
“10-INCH” STEVE (tilts his head in disapproval) – No, ya id’jit! It’s Carrie Underwood!
“INJUN” JIM & “PARK BENCH” PETE – Who da’ Hell is Carrie Underwood?!
“10-INCH” STEVE – I’ll go see if she’s ready. You guys get your gift bags, and we’ll be right back!
“Injun” Jim and “Park Bench” Pete walk over to get their gift bags. They open them up and compare their goodies.
“INJUN” JIM (enthusiastically) – Wow! A whole pack of half-smoke cigars! How about you?
“PARK BENCH” PETE (excitedly) – I got a can of Dinty More Stew…and it ain’t even open!
“10-Inch” Steve comes out to make the announcement.
“10-INCH” STEVE – And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for…Carrie Underwood!
“INJUN” JIM – Who?!
“10-INCH” STEVE – Carrie Underwood, ya id’git!
Carrie Underwood comes out waving. The Hobos drop their gift bags in amazement as they are instantly smitten by her appearance.
“INJUN” JIM & “PARK BENCH” PETE – She’s beauuuutiful!
CARRIE UNDERWOOD (faking enthusiasm) – Thank-you, thank-you, it’s a pleasure to be here with all three of you in this…basement. What is that smell? …Jesus! Oops! Um… Jesus, Take The Wheel was one of my biggest hits!
She looks around bewildered and depressed.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD – So…who wants an autograph?
“Injun” Jim and “Park Bench” Pete jockey to get next to her first.
“PARK BENCH” PETE – Hi pretty lady! Go ahead make it out “Park Bench” Pete.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD (curious) – Why do they call you “Park Bench” Pete?
“PARK BENCH” PETE – Because when I’m sleeping people carve their initials in me.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD (Awkward Moment, then turns to Injun Jim) – Soooo…What’s your name?
“Injun Jim” moves up to receive his autograph.
“INJUN” JIM – “Injun” Jim.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD – Kinda racist, isn’t it? Why “Injun”
“INJUN” JIM – ’cause I can’t spell locomotive.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD – Ohhh, “Engine” Jim.
“INJUN” JIM – That’s what I said, ya id’git.
She finishes the autographs, and then moves to 10″ Steve.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD (exhausted already) – And what’s your name?
“10-INCH” STEVE – Make it out to “10 Inch” Steve please.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD (perks up in interest) – Why do they call you “10 Inch” Steve?
“10-INCH” STEVE (matter of factly) – Cuz I got big feet.
“Injun” Jim and “Park Bench” Pete hustle her away from Steve, to take her to the bar.
“INJUN” JIM – Let me get you a drink, beautiful!
“PARK BENCH” PETE – Naw, naw, let me get you a drink!
10’Inch Steve hustles backstage to now become the bartender, while still remaining “10 Inch” Steve. Steve puts on a new hat to represent being a bartender.
“INJUN” JIM – We’ll take three.
10″ Steve produces three bottles with paper bags wrapped around them. They take a sip from the bags.
“10-INCH” STEVE – What, no tip?
“PARK BENCH” PETE – When you go out in the rain, wear a slicker!
They both laugh raucously while Carrie is unamused. They then move to the other side of the stage where the photo booth is.
“INJUN” JIM – Hey, a photo booth!! Let’s get our picture took, hot stuff!
CARRIE UNDERWOOD – Uhh…sure.
10″ Steve again runs backstage to the other side and becomes the “photographer” by placing a beret on his head. As the men approach, 10″ Steve gets ready with his pad and pencil.
“Injun” Jim poses with Carrie. He tries to get her up close & personal, as Carrie fights his efforts.
“INJUN” JIM – Alright, Steve…go!
10″ Steve begins to furiously draw them on his pad of paper. “Park Bench” Pete, visibly upset by this, decides to photo bomb it.
“INJUN” JIM (seeing the results) – Aw, c’mon!
The two begin to argue, but are then distracted by the Whittling Booth on the other side of the stage.
“PARK BENCH” PETE – Ooo! A Whittlin’ Booth! I was the best Whittler on the SOO Line!
“INJUN” JIM – Oh yeah!? Well, I was a member of the Canadia-Northern Championship Whittlin’ Team!
“PARK BENCH” PETE – Aw, sugar tits, I could whittle circles around that clown!
“INJUN” JIM – You couldn’t whittle your way out of a wool sock!
“PARK BENCH” PETE’ – Well, there’s only one way to settle this!
The two hobos look at each other before proclaiming:
“INJUN” JIM & “PARK BENCH” PETE (Looking at each other) – Whittle-Off!
The two run to the other side of the stage in excitement, nearly knocking over Carrie, and commence a’ whittlin’.
“10-Inch” Steve approaches Carrie.
“10-INCH” STEVE – Sorry, the guys can get like this when they’re around a beautiful woman.
Carrie blushes and smiles.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD – You really think I’m beautiful?
“10-INCH” STEVE Well, gosh, Ms. Underwood, you’re purt’near the purtiest thing these two eyes have ever seen! ….and this one’s glass!
Carrie is taken aback by his affection.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD – Oh, aren’t you just the sweetest thing!
10-inch Steve grabs her hand lovingly.
“10-INCH” STEVE – You know, Ms. Underwood, they don’t call me 10-Inch Steve just cuz’a my feet.
Carrie blushes, as Steve moves in and kisses her. As they part, she reaches in her mouth and pulls out his tooth.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD Is this your tooth?
Aaaand Scene!
*possible fade out music “King of the Road” by Roger Miller
