And Bingo was his Name…Oh? – Sketch 22, Jan. 2013

Situation: Captured Spies
Location: Drive Thru
2 males / 1 female

(Ronald McDonald and Wendy are seen on stage. Ronald is tied up and beaten severely)

Wendy – look Ronny, I’m gonna ask you one last time – what’s the secret?
Ronald – Wendy, you sick twisted salty value fry, don’t you know I’m friends with the
Mayor.
Wendy – McCheese has been grilled, he can’t save you now.
Ronald – The Hamburgler will never let you get away with this.
Wendy – The Hamburgler is ground up and being served to over 9 billion satisfied
customers as we speak. And if you don’t give me what I want Grimace is next.
Ronald – Not Grimace, he’s just a baby.
Wendy – He is? (shakes it off) whatever, I want the recipe to your secret sauce or I’m
gonna kill you right here right now.
Ronald – Yeah? You and what army?
Wendy – Well let me introduce you to my army! (Bingo Bear enters with an intimidating
scream/pose)
Ronald – Who is this guy?
Bingo – It’s me, Bingo Bear
Ronald – Who?
Bingo – From Bingo’s Burgers.
Ronald – Where?
Bingo – Bingo Bear from Bingo’s Burgers.

Ronald – Who from where?
Bingo – You know (goes into jingle) “Bingo’s Burgers, they’re the best, bear-ly beats
out all the rest, Bingo’s Burgers” (sung in the tune of Roto-Rooter)
Ronald – Isnt’ that Roto-Rooter?
Bingo – Huh? No, no no, they stole it from us. You know Bingo’s Burgers (goes into
jingle) Eat a big burger, a big Bear Burger, at Bingo’s Burger Barn (sung in the tune of
the Menards jingle)
Ronald – That’s Menards.
Bingo – Huh? No, they stole that from us. You really never heard of me? Bingo Burger,
remember (goes into jingle) Big Bingo Buger, main street in Menomonee Falls. Who do
you know wants a Bingo Burger (Sung in the tune of Ernie Von Schledorn)
Ronald – Come on.
Bingo – Okay, that one that we stole. We don’t’ even have a location in Menomonee
Falls.
Wendy – Okay, enough jingle jangle, stop clowning around and give us the recipe to the
secret sauce! (slap)
Ronald – I ain’t saying nothing. You and …who are you again?
Bingo – Bingo Bear, you know…(starts a jingle)
Wendy – Zip it Bingo! Look clown, give us the recipe or we’ll burn down your house.
Ronald – I don’t even live there, it’s for sick kids.
Wendy – I don’t care, that place is going to be flame broiled!
Ronald – Okay okay, I’ll tell ya. Go to the back, past the drive thru window, and look in
the 2 nd fridge. You’ll find your answer there.
Wendy – You better not be lying to me Ronny, or the next thumb somebody finds in our
chili will be yours. (Wendy Exits)
Bingo – Well well well, alone at last Mr. McDonald.

Ronald – You can torture me all you want Banjo.
Bingo – Bingo!
Ronald – I already told your boss where to find the sauce.
Bingo – What?
Ronald – Your boss Banjo.
Bingo –Let’s make one thing clear, well two things, first off my name is Bingo from
Bingo Bear’s Burger Barn , second I don’t have a boss and I don’t really give an ass
nugget about the secret sauce neither. Oh, I am gonna torture you, and all you can do is pray
for a quick death, which you ain’t gonna get. (Turns on music, Stuck in the Middle with You, and cuts off Ronald’s fake red nose per the ear scene in Reservoir Dogs. Ronald reacts as if it’s his real nose being cut off. Wendy comes back in)
Wendy – You lying super sized #2 with a diet coke and apple pie to go! All I found back
there was a bucket full of 1000 island dressing! Now give-  Bingo! What have you done?
Bingo – I cut off his nose… and his ¼ pounder is next.
Wendy – His what?
Bingo – You know his happy meal.
Wendy – Happy meal? What?
Bingo – His penis Wendy! I’m going to cut off his penis.
Wendy – Bingo!
Ronald – Who’ s Bingo?
Bingo – That’s it clown, you’ve blown your last balloon!
Wendy – Bingo! Hold on! Maybe you should step outside and get some fresh air, I’d
like to have a little chat with our friend here. (Bingo exits)
Wendy – (She picks up his nose) Ronny, I never meant for things to get so out of hand.
Ronny – What happened to us Wendy? We were such good friends.
Wendy – That’s just it Ron, I always wanted to be more than friends. I’ve always
wanted…

Ronny – What Wendy?
Wendy – I wanted…
Ronny – What?
(Bingo enters)
Bingo – Your penis! It’s time to cut off your penis!
Wendy – No Bingo! Just give me a little more time.
Bingo – Forget it! We’ve tried things your way, now it’s time for Bingo to do things his
way!!!
(Bingo moves in on Ronald and Wendy steps in. Choreograph fight scene. Bingo dies)
Ronald – Thank you Wendy. (Wendy unties Ronald) Who knew that all this time you’ve
had feelings for me.
Wendy – Ronald, can you ever forgive me?
Ronald – Knowing how you feel about me, there is nothing to forgive.
(They embrace)
Wendy – I’m loving it.
Ronald – Loving what, Wendy?
Bingo – (final death gasp) Your penis!