Aunt Eater

By Rich Laguna, Nic Onorato, Patrick Schmitz

2 males 1 female Prompts: A Strange Neighbor and An Inheritance

Daniel – husband; Rose – wife; Gerald – neighbor

(Daniel and Rose preparing a meal)  

Daniel – Why is this guy sitting in our living room?

Rose – He’s our neighbor.  

Daniel – We moved in ten minutes ago.  We’re not even done unpacking.  

Rose – We need to know our neighbors.  It’s important to me.  

Daniel – I think it’s weird he invited himself over.  

Rose – He didn’t…

Daniel – Yes he did.  You told me that he showed up with some chili and said “I’m here for dinner.”

Rose – Daniel, you need to understand that that man in our living room was the last person to speak to your aunt before she passed.  

Daniel – And?

Rose – this was her house!  

Daniel – WAS her house!

Rose – That’s what I said.  

Daniel – That guy in our living room  is….

Rose – His name is Gerald.

Daniel – “Gerald”

(Gerald enters)

Gerald – Yes!  

Daniel – Hey Ger.

Gerald – I prefer Gerald…

Daniel – Sure thing Ger. Look we just moved in and I know that Rose promised you dinner, but how would you feel about ordering a pizza.

Gerald – Ooh.You should try my 5-meat pizza. I even cure my own artisan meats: Cured Beef, Pepperoni, Bacon, Canadian Bacon and Italian sausage. (To Daniel) Your Aunt was Italian was she not?

Rose – I thought she was Polish?

Gerald – Oh, in that case- Cured Beef, Pepperoni, Bacon, Canadian Bacon and Polish Sausage.

Rose – That sounds delightful.

Daniel – Rose, can I have a word with you for a moment. (whispers) I think this guy may have killed my Aunt

Rose – Don’t be ridiculous, he is a kind man who came to our house with a big pot of chili.

Gerald – (from across the room)  There is plenty more where that came from, I have at least 150 pounds worth of meat to get rid of.  

Daniel – My Aunt weighed about 150 pounds

Rose – Dan she was pushing at least 225. She wouldn’t weigh 150 unless her bones were removed.

Gerald – Fun Fact – Did you know that an average woman’s skeleton weighs around 75 pounds.

Rose – I have a Fun Fact – Howard E Koch once said “You can be a good neighbor, only if you have good neighbors.

Daniel – (To Rose) I have a Fun Fact – This son of a bitch killed my aunt.

Rose – Daniel! That’s not being a good neighbor.

Daniel – Yeah but-

Rose – Daniel, he was a dear friend to your aunt. He even saw to all of her funeral arrangements, wrote the obituary, notified the family and saw to her cremation.

Daniel – (to Rose) Yeah, before anyone could identify her body. (to Gerald) Tell me Gerald, how did you meet my aunt?

Gerald – When I moved in she had been living here for many years. And so to make a good impression I came over and killed her…

Daniel and Rose – Gasp

Gerald – …with kindness. (Daniel and Rose – sigh of relief) She enjoyed my cooking, and so I cooked her (D&R gasp) my chili (D&R sigh). Shortly after that she died (D&R gasp) her hair (D&R Sigh) to look pretty for me. We dated, and one lovely evening, I decided to eat her (D&R gasp) out.

Daniel & Rose – Ewwwww

(Bing!)

Rose – That’s the chili.

Daniel – I am not eating that. I don’t trust him, and I am 73% sure that my aunt is in that pot.

Rose – It would be rude to refuse this house warming gift of food from an adorable neighbor. Danial just take a bite.

Daniel – (takes a small spoonful) It’s okay, I guess. (bites into something) What is this (pulls a ring out of his mouth)

Rose – That’s your aunt’s ring.

Daniel – (Pulls out a string of pearls from his mouth) what is this?

Rose – Those are your aunt’s pearls.

Daniel – (pulls _______ out of his mouth) What is this? (Directors Choice ie- pantyhose, skeleton, body… )

Gerald – Fun Fact, You just ate your aunt.

Rose – I knew it!

Daniel – Then why did you tell me to eat it?

Rose – When someone brings you a hot dish, you eat it. It is called manners.

Daniel – It is called Cannibalism, Rose!

Rose – How could you, Gerald?

Gerald – Actually, it was quite easy. A little salt here. A dash of paprika there. Penzey’s has quite the selection, don’t you know.

Daniel – Stop it. Why would you do this?

Gerald – She spoke ill of me with here wicked tongue… so I ate hers.

Daniel – Gross

Gerald – Then came the lies. Constantly pulling my leg… so I ate hers.

Rose – Eew.

Gerald – She left me no choice. She twisted my arm… so I ate hers.

Daniel – Hmmm.

Gerald – She was keeping secrets. Something was afoot… so I ate hers.

Rose – Okay. We get it.

Gerald – She wanted to slow things down. You know, play it by ear… so-

Daniel – So you ate hers. Okay that’s enough.

Gerald – Hang on. I know there’s  a few more…(to himself) let’s see… she couldn’t put her finger on it… no. Too easy. She stuck her neck out. Oh. Come on Gerald. You’re better than this. She made me feel like an ass. Oh yuckie. Think man, think!

Rose – Ooh! How about something about a knee-jerk reaction?

Gerald – Not bad, but it seems sort of forced.

Daniel – Something with lips…

Gerald – No…

Rose – or the elbow….

Gerald – Eh.  Well, I’ll put a pin in it for now. We’ll come back to it later, but no promises.

Daniel – Okay. Enough already! Why did you kill her?

Gerald – Oh, but I didn’t kill her.

Rose – Then who did?

Gerald – He did! (pointing at Daniel)

Daniel – (looks around then points at himself) Me?

Rose – Daniel?

Gerald – Yes!  Daniel!

Daniel – What did I do?

Gerald – It’s not what you did. It’s what you didn’t do.

Daniel – Huh?

Gerald – That poor woman sat up every night… alone. Wishing for a visitor. But alas, none would come. Not even her only family. Her nephew. You Daniel. And his wife… ummm.

Rose – Rose.

Gerald – Rose! That’s it. But you never came. Did you?

Daniel – I…

Gerald – Did you?

Daniel – No.  

Gerald – So she died… of loneliness I assume. Seeing her like that just about broke my heart…

They all look at each other…

All in unison – So I ate hers!!!

Gerald – Nailed it.

Hi-fives and celebrations abound.

Lights out