He-Man: The Early Years – Sketch 22 July, 2016
He-Man: The Early Years
By Rich Laguna and Patrick Schmitz
Prompts: A Baseball Game and A Castle
(Queen Malena is at home on the phone arguing with the cable guy)
Queen – No! No! This is the third cable box I’ve gone through in the last month and I…what? No! You will send someone over today and have this piece of junk replaced immediately! My Address? Castle GraySkull you dolt. Yes! The castle that looks like a big gray skull. You got it. BYE!!!!!
(She hangs up phone. He-boy walks in and cries out loud like a big baby)
Queen – He-boy! What’s wrong? He-Boy!
(He cries even louder)
Queen – He-Boy!!! For God sake’s what is it now? Is it the loin cloth rash again?
(He-Boy shakes his head no and continues to cry)
Queen – He-Boy! That’s enough. Breathe. Control yourself. You have the power.
(He starts to relax a bit)
Queen – Now tell mommy what’s wrong.
He-Boy – Ske..(sobs) la..(sobs)…tor!
Queen – Skeletor? Was he picking on you again?
(He-Boy shakes his yes as he cries hard again)
Queen – What did he say?
He-Boy – He told everyone in Eternia Elementary that I’m a lousy pitcher.
Queen – That’s awful. I’m calling his mother.
(Meanwhile at Skeletor’s house Barbara is on the phone with the cable company)
Barb – You will send someone over today and have this piece of junk replaced immediately! My Address? Snake Mountain you dolt. Yes! The mountain that looks like a big snake. You got it! BYE!!!
(She hangs up phone. Skeletor walks in and laughs out loud)
Barb – Skeletor! What’s so funny…? Skelly!
(He laughs even louder)
Barb – Skelly!!! For God sake’s what is it now? Is it the soft spot on your skull again?
(Skeletor shakes his head no and continues to laugh)
Barb – Skelly! That’s enough. Breathe. Control yourself. You have the power.
(He starts to relax a bit)
Barb – Now tell mommy what’s so funny.
Skully – He…(laughs) He…(laughs) Boy! (laughs)
Barb– He-Boy? Were you picking on him again?
(Skully shakes his yes as he laughs hard again)
Barb – What did you say?
Skeletor – I told everyone in Eternia Elementary that he’s a lousy pitcher.
Barb – That’s hilarious. I bet his mom’s gonna call.
(phone rings)
Barb – Oh sure enough. This she is. Shhhh. (picks up phone) Snake Mountain, Barb speaking.
Queen – Barb, this is Malena.
Barb – Oh hi.
Queen – Yeah, hi. Listen, it seems your boy’s been picking on my boy again.
Barb – Oh really? (trying to hold back a laugh. Skeletor in background laughing quietly)
Queen – Well it seems he’s been calling my son….
Both Barb and Queen -…a lousy pitcher.
Barb – I know, he just told me. That’s hilarious.
Queen – Hilarious? Excuse me?
Barb – I mean your son did blow the little world series last year.
Queen – Oh yeah? Your son doesn’t have skin on his face!
Barb – He has Necrotizing (Neck-Row-Tie-zing) Fasciitis (Fash-ee-eye-tis). It’s a thing.
Queen – Sure it is Barb.
Barb – It is. Look it up. The writers did.
Queen – How apropos. Look Barb. This constant bullying needs to stop. Look at what it’s done to their friendship.
Barb – Oh Malena, relax. They’re just kids being kids.
Queen – But they won’t always be kids. He-Boy will some day be He-Man and Skeletor will grow to be…I don’t know someone with skin on his face?
Barb – It’s a disease!
Queen – Well whatever. What are we gonna do about this Barb?
Barb – How about we have the boys get together and talk it out? Skelly!?!?
Queen – He-Boy!?!! He’s gone.
Barb – So is Skelly.
Queen – Where did those boys run off to?
(MEANWHILE IN A TREE HOUSE – He-boy is up reading a comic book. Skelly comes to the door)
Skelly – knock knock.
He-Boy – What do you want?
Skelly – Can I come in?
He-Boy – What’s the password?
Skelly – My first pets name and my mom’s maiden name.
He-Boy – Come on in. (silence) Wanna a read a comic book?
Skelly – Sure, whatcha got?
He-Boy – Well, there’s Conan, Tarzan, or She-Ra.
Skelly – She-Ra? What the hell is a She-Ra?
He-Boy – Apparently I have a twin sister and she’s this leader in the great rebellion against Hordak on the planet Etheria.
Skelly – Sounds like the marketing department at Mattell were trying to reach a wider based young audience in order to include adolescent females.
He-Boy – How apropos. Look Skelly, why did you say all that junk about me?
Skelly – I was just goofin.
He-Boy – It really hurt. Do you really think I’m a lousy pitcher?
Skelly – You lost us the little world series He-Boy. First you walked Ram-Boy, then Beast Boy hit a double, and then Boy-ee-faces hit a home run. And to add insult to injury you accidentally ran over Battle Kitten.
He-Boy – I’m sorry Skelly. I’m sorry I ruined everything.
Skelly – You didn’t ruin everything. It’s not that big of deal. I’m sorry I called you a lousy pitcher.
(Both moms are at the door)
Barb – Knock knock.
He-Boy – What’s the password?
Queen – The name of my first pet and the name of the street I grew up on.
He-Boy – That’s your porn name.
Queen – Just open the door!
Barb – We brought you boys cocoa and s’mores.
Both boys – Awesome!!! Thanks mom.
Queen – Well, it sure looks like you two made up.
He-Boy – We sure did.
Skeletor – Sorry I made fun of your son Queen Melena.
Queen – It’s okay Skeletor.
He- Boy – Yeah, he was just being a bone head.
Skeletor – It’s a disease! It’s called Neck…rah…feel..ee…eye…tis.
Queen – The fear of having sex with dead people?
Barb – It’s called Necrotizing Fasciitis.
He-Boy – I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you a bonehead Skeletor.
Skeletor – Too late! From this day forth we shall be mortal enemies! (throws cocoa in his face. He-Boy cries like a big baby and then tries to throw his smore at Skeletor and it’s a horrible throw that lands 2 feet in front of him)
Queen – Wow, you really are a lousy pitcher.
Skeletor – I told you!
(He-Boy tries to grab anything and says “by the power of Grayskull, I have the power! Nope” and then tries it on 2 more random things. Skeletor keeps throwing smores at He-Boy. The moms argue back and forth.
(Director of sketch) – knock knock. Cable guy!
All – what’s the password!?
end
