NOT DECENT PROPOSAL

By Doug Jarecki, Rich Laguna & Patrick Schmitz

2 males 2  females Prompts: The Great Outdoors and Paying off a loan

Randy, Chet,Connie,Ranger Bloom

(Chet and Connie are setting up camp and getting a fire started/ tent up/etc)

Connie – Do we have enough firewood?

Chet – This should be enough for the weekend.  

Connie – It’s so peaceful up here.

Chet – Yeah. I feel this is just what we needed.  The two of us and the great outdoors.

Connie – Uhhhhhh, don’t you mean the three of us?

Chet – What, Randy?  Randy’s harmless.

Connie – Randy’s weird.

Chet – What do you mean weird?  He’s hardly even around.  He’s in the woods for hours at a time.

Connie – That’s what I mean by weird.  What do you think he’s doing?

Chet – He’s doing….you know….Randy stuff.  Classic Randy.

Connie – Classic?!?  You just met him at the bank last week.  

Chet – Going to the bank was your idea.   

Connie –  Yeah, to get a loan so we don’t lose our house…CHET!  

Chet – So I made a friend, what’s the big deal?

Connie – Well I just find it funny that I’ve suggested horseback riding, a hot air balloon ride and snorkeling and you said no, but this Randy guy comes along and wants to go camping and here we are.

Chet – Okay, here’s what happened – I went to the bank to get the loan and….(Randy enters)  HEY!  There he is.  Did you finish up what you were up to?

Randy – (very deadpan) Yeah, they’re dead.  

Chet – Oh….okay….well, you know what’s not dead, is this fire I made.  Huh Connie?  Look at this baby burn.

Connie – Chet?  What were you gonna tell me?

Chet – Ummm….Hey why don’t we play a game?  What you guys say?  Two truths and Lie.  Randy, why don’t you go first.  Tell us two true things about you and one lie and Connie and I will have to figure out which one is the lie.   

Randy – Okay.  My name is Randy…With an “I”.  Um….I killed 10 people in my life time, and…I killed eleven people in my life time.

Connie – What?

Chet – Okay, maybe we shouldn’t play this game.  

Randy – It’s Randy with a “Y”.

Chet – Oh, great,  How about we just sit here and look at the fire.

Randy – I like fire.

Chet – Oh yeah?  Connie likes fire.  Connie?  Did you hear that Randy likes fire?

Connie – Yep.  Classic Randy.

(Ranger enters)  

Ranger Bloom -Well well well, what do we have here?  Some kind of hippie love fest?

Connie – What are you talking about, sir?

Ranger Bloom – Sir?  I didn’t go through eight weeks of ranger night classes at Waukesha County Technical College to be called ‘sir’ by some kinda drugged out city slicker, Missy!  You will address me as Ranger.

Chet – Sorry si–I mean, ranger.  We didn’t–

Ranger Bloom – Zip it, jughead.  I don’t have time to listen to your tripped out jibber jabber.  Look here, I found a large puddle of blood, or a small pool of blood…or a medium sized…there was a lot of blood, roughly 12 by 7 inches,of blood, looks to be positive A, maybe a negative B combo, down at camp site 412A – You kids wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?

Chet – A pool of blood?

Randy – I like blood.

Connie – We have no idea what you’re talking about.

Ranger Bloom – Well, rest assure Ol Ranger Bloom is gonna get to the bottom of this.  And let’s hope it’s before 10pm because that’s mandatory lights out – no exceptions.  10pm!  Got it?  

Connie – Are we in danger?

Ranger – Not necessarily – it’s probably just a raccoon in heat or a crazed killer who will likely kill you all in your sleep.  Either way, keep it down after ten.  (beat)  You folks have a good night.  (exit)

Connie – Wow, do you really think a killer is out there?

Chet – Maybe.  But you would think the killer would be more careful about leaving evidence behind.

(Randy gets up slowly and exits off where the Ranger went to)

Connie – Okay, can you tell me what’s going on with this Randy person?

Chet – What do you wanna know?

Connie – I wanna know why we’re here!

Chet – (sigh)  I went to the bank to get the loan, but I was rejected.  BUT…I met Randy and Randy threw down a proposition for me…for us.  (beat)

Connie – Go on.

Chet – He said he’d give us the loan, interest free, if….and only if…

Connie – (beat) Go on.

Chet – I’d take both of you camping.

Connie – (beat) Go on.

Chet – That’s it.  Well, and I also agreed to let him sleep with you.

Connie – (long beat) Go on.

Chet – That’s it.

Connie – Chet!

Chet – Connie!  I don’t wanna lose our house.

Connie – Well, you’re about to lose your wife.

Chet – (beat) Go on.  

(Randy enters with a big pile of bloody towels and throws them on the fire, takes off his sweater that now has blood on it and throws it on the fire. Sits down, puts a marshmallow on a stick and roasts it)

Chet – Connie, did you see that Randy is roasting marshmallows?  You like marshmallows.

Connie – Stop it Chet.  I am not going to be part of this sick game.  I’m outta here!

Ranger – (sudden entrance) You ain’t going nowhere little lady.  

Connie – Oh, you again?

Ranger – People! It looks like we have a 972 on our hands.

Chet – A 972?

Ranger and Randy – Squirrel mutilation.  

Connie – You have a number for that?

Ranger – The 97 is squirrel mutilation.  The 2 refers to the fact that the squirrels were dressed up in tiny human clothes that resembles current residents of the park.  Specifically, this campsite.    

Chet – The squirrels were dressed like us?

Ranger – You’re darn tootin.  Someone left them at the scene of the crime.

(Randy gets up and leaves)

Ranger – So, are you Connie and Chet?

Connie – Yes, how did you know?

Ranger The squirrels had little name tags that read Connie and Chet.  Now which one of you is Connie and which one of you is Chet?

Chet – I’m Chet.

Ranger – That must make you Connie?

Connie – Wow, those 8 weeks in Waukesha really payed off.  

Ranger – Watch it missy.  (beat) So if you’re Chet and you’re Connie, and I’m Ranger Bloom, that only leaves one person…

(Randy comes in and throws little clothes on the fire.  Then takes off his shirt, which is now covered in blood in the fire)

Ranger – Hey, buddy, what’s your story?

(spotlight)

Randy –  Buddy?  That’s nice.  (out to audience and cue the sad music) You see, I was never very popular.  I was always the kid in school who was always picked last, but always the first picked on.  I guess you could say I am a sensitive soul and….(Chet interrupts, music stops sharply)

Chet – Sensitive soul?!?  Dude, you dressed up little squirrels and then mutilated them!

Randy – No I didn’t CHET!  I mutilated them and THEN dressed them up.  Not like you care! (music starts again and sensitive voice returns) I guess it felt like no one cared.  Maybe that’s why I was always so shy.  All I ever wanted was a girl to take horseback riding, or maybe share a hot air balloon ride or….I don’t know, maybe go snorkeling.  I know girls like that probably don’t exist, but that dream has kept me going, kept me mutilating and dressing up small rodents all my life.  I guess some dreams don’t come true.

Connie – Oh Randy, girls like that do exist.  And dreams do come true.  You see Randy, I AM that girl, the girl to take horseback riding, or share a hot air balloon with, or even take snorkeling.  But if you think for even one red hot minute that a girl like me would ever..EVER end up with a guy like you–you sick, twisted, demented, perverted, Hannibal Lecter-Ed Gein-John Wayne

Chet – John Wayne?

Connie -Gacy! -Elmo’s Puppeteer-Dustin Diamond-Bill Cosby-Captain Kangaroo–

All three – Captain Kangaroo?

Connie – (not stopping) – Jeffrey Dahmer-Charles Manson-Jared from Subway-wannabe–then you must be one dumb mother fu-

Ranger Bloom – 10:00 Lights Out!

Lights Out